ETA: Also updated the following pages: About, Colophon, FAQ.
I can’t believe it’s been a whole two months since I updated here and I actually had plans to be using this a lot more. Well I’ll get to the original reason of this post (this first part here) and the under the cut will be a bit more personal.
FIRST OFF – I was paper journaling earlier and I hadn’t taken thought to the date when I started. Incidentally, I began writing three and a half pages (which is a lot given my tiny writing and the fact that I can fit 17-20 words per single line on a dotted A5 sized (medium) Leuchtturm1917) on Jack Kerouac and how he has not only influenced my writing but also influenced my desire to and my many attempts at travel during 2004-2011. I’ve been to New York City and Detroit, and in Ontario (places where I’ve stayed overnight or longer): Windsor, Barrie, Mississauga, Toronto, Sudbury, Manitoulin Island, Espanola, North Bay, Penetanguishene, Simcoe, St Thomas, London, Port Dover, Nanticoke, Halimand County, Niagara-On-the-Lake, Crystal Beach, Niagara Falls, Welland, St Catherines, Port Dalhousie, Burlington and I’ve discovered and walked 30% of the Bruce Trail. I stopped this once agoraphobia became too much but I plan to travel again.
So with that, I would like to share my little birthday wish to the man who convinced me to make those dreams reality.
You would be 95 today, which is strange to think about. As a long-time fan of your work, I feel like I know so much about your life and it’s actually been 50 years since you wrote all of it. Your books were life-changing for me and helped pave the way to my own need to get my story out there on paper.
You inspired me to travel, to forget about what was socially ‘correct’ and ‘acceptable’ and to just live life the way I needed to – on the edge and without thought to judgment and second-guessing my every move.
Your works taught me about freedom and how important it is to have solid life experiences and to be able to reflect upon the good and the bad as the greatest teachers we could ever have. Happy birthday, Jack.
Now, for some personal stuff as well as State of the Blog stuff.
To say my year started off on a bad note would be understating it. I was free of abuse of two former friends rather quickly in the month of January, but also was starting to struggle with my mental health under the strain of trying to keep up with said toxic friendships (as referenced on my MH blog). I was struggling under the weight of how I feel like a failure at age 30. How I had Big Things Coming Up (a background acting role and an on-TV mental health segment, both of which I nearly forgot about until i was reminded) and there didn’t seem to be enough time in the day.
I also found out I had been mistakenly taking the wrong medication since mid-December, leading to terrible side effects, insomnia, anxiety changes and a huge distrust in both my pharmacy and family doctor. It was sorted but I am still coming down from all of that physically and mentally and it’s been difficult. My focus has been fucking shot, so has my anxiety.
Terrible things were done to me, none of which I wish to go into detail about, and I hope they stay dead and buried or I’m going to make good on my word and sort shit out the proper way. Because I’m done playing games and being someone’s plaything because they’re bored and unhappy in their life (despite the overzealous showing that’s supposed to trick people who don’t actually know them into thinking otherwise). I feel like I’m back in middle school and high school where everything is fucking pitch forks waving and the inability for people to be adult about anything.
Other stressful things are relapses into some bad self harm behaviors. Admitting them to my doctor. Having a very serious discussion among the mental health team and my doctor which thankfully had me out of hospital and in community but also checking in every day to prove I was still alive and not a threat to myself. I was hit by a car (and people involved in the above were even congratulating the driver and saying things like they wished the driver had killed me, etcetc). I witnessed a traumatic event while being supportive to someone. I was able to come back from all of that and finally pull my head above water.
I met a new friend who has helped me stop feeling like I was drowning. I began seeing their art and gentle ways of thinking/treating people as inspiring. I discovered a new TV series. I discovered more of the bullet journal community. I found support for my writing and art where I was convinced there was only hate and disgusting people. I was given hope, the sense of trust (which I dearly hope I do not regret) and a newfound sense of accomplishment after my CBT ended and I was given the final analysis on my progress throughout the program.
Things aren’t always going to be easy. I know that now. I can try and keep my life on track and that is the best that I can do. I have things to look forward to – fixing my health, returning to college, pursuing hobbies, keeping toxic people out of my life and only allowing the positive or those willing to cheer me on for the good things that happen to me rather than be hateful and jealous of them. I may not be giving my full-time to writing but I am hoping that this is a good start to coming back from all of the hell that was November 2016-February 2017. I am determined, strong-willed and unsinkable. I am honest, caring, and too damn busy for hateful, petty shit. I have newfound inspiration and people around me now who are excited about my creativity whether it be art or writing. They are willing to help push me to achieve my goals and won’t put me down or make me feel bad because of what I am achieving even if they are having a rough go in life and aren’t achieving the same things. They are what true friends are supposed to be. You know who you are and thank you. <3
As for the state of this blog, I am hoping to post at least weekly and start sharing some things rather than just directing everyone to Instagram and such. Keep tuned as some writing will soon appear as well.